Laura's Return To The Streets

Last night was the first night I have looked up from my beautiful daughters face in Seven months. She has brought joy and pain, laughter and tears. My world has been mainly focused on her, how fast she is growing and the new things she can do, what she needs now and what she may need later. 

But last night I went out on the street for the first time in a year.

 It was the same as ever, cardboard, soup, glue, the stench of faeces and unwashed bodies, cool wind on sticky skin, grubby faces with bright eyes in the street lighting, children finding joy in other people’s rubbish, bodies lying under a sheet, sleeping, dead to the world unless a soup van comes past.

 But I feel so different.

I've changed so much in the past year that my visit last night felt like a punch in the stomach. My instincts told me to run home to my precious girl and hold her and protect her from all the horrific things that are happening. To take her as far away from this place as I could.

 The innocence that I have been gazing at for the last 7 months was such a painful contrast to the street that I was standing in now. The 20 or so kids running round, some no more than 4 years old, some so skinny, others with glazed eyes from glue, all precious and all in need of someone to hold and protect them. They are not living or growing, they are fighting to survive, and the world they are trying to survive in is full of horror and pain.

I was in a little bit of shock. I had been going out to the street for several years before I took a break for Tess, and I had not expected to find the return as painful as I did. I don’t know why, but as a mother, going to the street made my heart ache more than it did before. 

 I was so overwhelmed by the malice and just pure evil that these kids were living through and I felt so helpless. I had spent my last few months caring for every single need for Tess, predicting how I could ease any discomfort, learning how to make her smile, giving her everything she needs to be happy and healthy. But here I was, with this new tender heart, wanting to hold and protect, love and soothe better these other precious children who deserve so much more. 

I was unable to and it hurt.

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